Getting sick was not part of the plan. It rarely is. I remember taking the call at work, “You have multiple sclerosis.” After months of vertigo, fatigue and tingling in my hands, I finally had a name for it. I didn’t want it and I was scared.
What made these lessons hard is that it took me so long to accept them. I wanted the shortcuts, the overnight successes and often thought, “easier said than done” when confronted with them. Now, as soon as that thought enters my head, I think, it may not be easy but, is it easy now? Is the way I’m doing it now easy? If not, maybe it’s ok that this new path feels easier said than done.
8 Hard Lessons I Learned by Doing Too Much and Getting Sick
1. Doing the same thing delivers the same results.
There was so much about my life that I needed to change to reduce stress and live well with MS. I had tried to change most of it before, all at once, in thirty days or less. I was all in, head over heels with new habit changes and then I’d burn out or get bored and be back to square one. This time, when my health was on the line, I learned that I had to not only make a bunch of changes, but more importantly, I had to change the way I change.
Instead of guilting myself into habit changes, and ignoring my own time and energy I had to be gentle, go slowly and take tiny steps. I had to give each habit change the time it needed to unfold and take hold. I had to make myself and my health a priority and acknowledge that I was worth taking care of.
2. More stuff doesn’t equal more happiness.
I used to shop when I felt sad so I could feel happy. Then I’d shop when I was happy to celebrate and feel happier. This was back before online shopping made it even easier. I really had to work for my shopping fix. I’d tell myself stories about how a great deal would make me feel, or how a new pair of shoes would make me more confident or how I deserved the new things I bought for myself.
Getting sick and looking at the things causing stress in my life invited me to rethink my relationship with stuff and shopping. I don’t need a new dress or kitchen appliance to feel happier. I discovered less stress and more happiness in owning less, managing less and doing less. I realized that I deserve so much more than more stuff.
3. The goals I set were too big.
Recently someone asked me about what to do with the guilt of failing to meet a goal, complete a task or finish a challenge. I remembered the times that happened to me. The problem wasn’t my lack of willpower or discipline, it was that I was committing to too much. Instead of being honest about my time and energy, I overcommitted.
Instead of being kind to myself and meeting myself where I was, I strived to be somewhere else, someone else. I wanted to be different and better because with the help of society’s messages, I convinced myself I wasn’t enough the way I was. Today, I still set goals and do different challenges but I realize that big change is the result of hundreds of tiny steps. I take those tiny steps and I celebrate them. I don’t wait until the big goal or challenge is completed to like myself.
3. What works for others doesn’t always work for me.
It has taken a dedicated daily practice to trust my voice — the voice that knows what’s best for me. I made space and time to connect with my heart and hear what’s best by simplifying my life. My daily practice is some combination of writing, meditating, walking or stretching and then sitting quietly with my hands on my heart.
Learning to trust and act on what I’m hearing involves experimenting, researching, asking questions, screwing up, starting over, laughing, and then doing it all over again. Sometimes I hear the voice, and know what’s best but try to ignore it and do something else. That never works. Not once. It doesn’t work for me to ignore what I know is true.
People have the best recommendations for what worked for them. It’s easy to find internet remedies and cures and inspirational podcasts, articles and more. I find great inspiration and guidance from hearing other people’s stories, talking to friends, and listening to advice, but when I want to know what’s best for me, I put my hands on my heart and turn to the person who knows me best.
4. Doing more things doesn’t make you a better person.
When you are measuring (and measured) by how much you get done, it’s never enough. You lose yourself to doing more because you forget how you feel, who you are and what you want. Productivity culture will call you to do more. It will make you believe that if you could do a little more, finish one more thing and just ignore what you know about yourself for a little longer, you’ll be happy, loved, successful, rich, and (insert other lies here). Unfortunately, burnout and getting sick is a common response to productivity and hustle culture.
Over committing myself and my time led to a complete energy depletion. I was in a constant cycle of doing too much, exhausting myself, getting sick and barely recovering before starting all over again. Every day, inch by inch, we throw our time and energy away by saying yes before carefully considering how much time and energy we actually have. We think that just because we can do one more thing, we should do one more thing. But should we? Doing more things doesn’t make you a better person. It makes you a tired person. It’s time to rest, recover, renew and come back to you.
5. I don’t have to care about everything.
The way we dilute our time, energy and hearts trying to do it all and care about it all is a disservice all the way around. We are stressed out, worried and we struggle to give anything our full attention. When everything matters, nothing does. If you think that it’s selfish to care about fewer things, consider intention vs. impact.
We have tremendous intention by caring about everything, worrying about it all and if we have any strength left, attempting to to do something about everything. Intention is nice but it is impact that makes a difference. We can have greater impact on our personal health, the happiness of our families and communities and moving the needle on projects and passions we care about when we do less and care about fewer things.
Caring less about what other people think is real self-care. Usually, when we think people are thinking about us, they aren’t. And when they are, their thoughts are more about them, or their mood or their point of view. What would you do if you cared a little bit less about what they thought, what their expectations were, and who you thought you were supposed to be for everyone else? What would life be like if you trusted you first and the rest was just background noise that you could turn down as needed?
6. My life is better without alcohol.
I don’t drink alcohol anymore for the very simple reason that my life is better without it. Who knew that after getting rid of most of my stuff, becoming debt free, downsizing and leaving a job that wore me out, the thing that would simplify my life the most would be quitting alcohol.
For a long time, I questioned my drinking but thought I needed a rock bottom reason to quit or thought that quitting meant people would think that I had a problem, or maybe it meant that I had a problem. I also worried that my life wouldn’t be as fun without alcohol and that my relationships would change. When I decided to take a break from drinking on January 20, 2019, I didn’t know that weekend I’d had my last glass of wine, my last hangover and that I would end a decades long journey of managing alcohol.
?????????
I wrote about my concerns about alcohol in 2011 and came to the conclusion that I wasn’t addicted/didn’t have a problem/wasn’t an alcoholic. If I could go back and send a message to the me who wrote those words, I would have asked her, “Is that a good enough reason to keep drinking?” and “Is alcohol contributing to the full, healthy, intentional life you say you want?” For me, minimalism is removing the things that remove you from your life. Alcohol removed me from my life so I removed it.
7. If catching up worked, we’d be caught up by now.
Where you are right now is where you are. You aren’t behind, you aren’t caught up, you are here and that’s all you really get. I know this may be obvious and we spend so much time and energy and heartache trying to “get there” that we often forget we are here. We are here in this fleeting moment and we never really get to be anywhere else. Note to self and anyone who needs it: When you find yourself striving to catch up or struggling because you feel like you are behind, be here for a moment. This is it.
Remember the glass and plastic ball analogy? Think about all of the balls you have up in the air like … taking care of yourself, feeding your kids, a project deadline, mental health, physical health, having fun, cleaning house, asking for a raise, emptying your inbox, responding to a text message, laundry, watching a movie (and on and on and on). Some of those items are made of glass so if they drop, they will break or be damaged. Others are made of plastic and they bounce. You can pick them up again later (or not). This is not about balance, this is about priority. Hold on to what matters, let go of the rest. If catching up worked, we’d be caught up by now.
8. You cannot rush healing.
We all want to feel better faster. I’ve pushed through the common cold, flus, feeling down and unmotivated, overwhelmed and broken-hearted. Healing takes the time it takes. I learn this lesson over and over again. It took months before I felt better after my diagnosis in 2006. Last fall I broke my foot and had to learn this lesson again. As soon as I remember to slow down and take time to heal instead of trying to push through, I start to feel better.
I don’t I did something to cause my MS but my stress contributed to relapses and symptoms. I felt better when I let go of stress. These hard lessons or “notes to self” might apply to something you are working through right now. Maybe you think, “easier said than done” too. Good health is never guaranteed but simplifying and reducing stress can help. Not only might you feel better, but you’ll create and time and space to take care when you don’t. In the moments when you aren’t sure what’s best for you, who to turn to for help or don’t know the next step, carve out a little time to ask yourself and listen. You know you best.